Week 5 – Blog Assignment
I have just gotten home from spending my spring break with
my parents. The conflict that I have
spent a good amount of time wondering and worrying about exists between me and my
father. I believe there are underlying
issues as to why my father and I have a difficult time having a
conversation. The Conflict Resolution
Network website has been helpful in realizing that conflicts come about from
differences – in needs, values, and motivations (http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=12#skill_3). As I
have shared with you before, I avoid conflict and confrontation because I have
the tendency to shut down in those situations.
O’Hair and Wiemann (2012) describe unproductive conflict as conflicts
that are managed poorly and have a negative impact on individuals and
relationships involved (p. 220). My
avoidance to discuss sensitive and difficult issues, such as not addressing the
communication issues that exist between us, aids in causing this conflict to continue
(p. 221). My fear is openly discussing
the root of our communication difficulties will reveal too many feelings that I
think will destroy the relationship (p. 227).
So, I have tolerated the communication difficulties and have accepted
our strained relationship for what it is.
From The Third Side website, I learned that responding to conflicts
productively requires courage, preparation, knowledge, skills, creativity, and
coordination (http://www.thirdside.org/). I need to find the courage to address this
conflict with my father. In addition, I
learned from The Center for Nonviolent Communication website how to express
myself honestly without attacking (http://www.cnvc.org./). I need to express my desire to address our
communication issues without blaming him.
I need to acknowledge the role I have played in causing this conflict to
continue. Avoidance of this unspoken
conflict cannot continue.
Please share any insights or advice you may have on this
matter.
Conflict Resolution Network. (n.d.). CR kit. Retrieved from http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=12#skill_3
The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for
nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/
The Third Side. (n.d.). The third side. Retrieved from http://www.thirdside.org/
O'Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real communication: An
introduction. New York: Bedford/St.
Martin's.
Hi Dianne,
ReplyDeleteI too used to have these difficulties with my father. He's since passed away and we never really did get to find a way to be very close. He was abusive to me when I was growing up, he was also an alcoholic and always very sick. When he died 7 years ago, it did not make me sad so to this day I have conflict because i don't think we ever got closure. It has made dealing with my step-father difficult because he shares similar traits that my father had...he is very hurtful and uses put-downs to bully or manipulate.
Like you said, your reluctance to get to the hurtful emotions allows the conflict to continue. I know you may be able to touch on some things and I think you should at least try...maybe not get too far into it because of the pain that may ensue, but just about a feeling or two you have. You don't want to hold onto this after he is gone.
Good luck!
Dianne, I have this problem with a family member also. I have tired talking to them and they always make everything out to be my fault no matter how I approach it. I hope you and your father can work it out and become close. Have you tried writing a letter to him or making a DVD for him? You can make a DVD of you talking to a picture of him, then give him the DVD and ask him to watch it with you but not to say anything until it ends. The after you both watch it talk about it. Good luck!!
ReplyDeleteHello Dianne,
ReplyDeleteWe all have a favorite conflict style. Some people enjoy a good fight while others go to great lengths to avoid even minor disagreements. Instead of being a slave to a particular style, try to increase your selection of conflict behaviors. Give yourself some choices, such as getting help, obliging, compromising among others.
Hi Diane,
ReplyDeleteI think it's great that you realize you and your Dad are not good at communicating and that there may be some underlining issues between you and him. The first step to improving communication and getting better is to first admit and realize that something is not right. You can't change what you don't acknowledge, right? The good news is that there are many ways to let your Dad know how you feel and surely there is a way to work through your issues. Communication is key!
Hi Dianne, I identified strongly with your post. I also had issues with my dad and generally tend to avoid conflict wherever I can. I think you have managed to identify several issues within your relationship and this is a good foundation on which to begin finding a solution. If your situation is anything remotely similar to what mine was like, then I agree that if you try to openly discuss the root of your communication difficulties it may bring too many feelings to the fore and destroy what little relationship you have, especially if your dad is not in the same place you are emotionally and perhaps knowledge wise. I think you are very brave firstly for sharing such personal details with us and secondly for being able to identify where the issues are. You have identified your weaknesses, so now you can give yourself time to prepare. I chose to write a letter to my father. When I look back at the letter I wrote, (my dad kept it, and after he passed my mum returned it to me) I realize, that even then I did not confront the situation directly, I approached it in a round about way. But as young as I was at the time, I did acknowledge that I was also partly to blame and that I did not enjoy the place we were in with our relationship and I had hoped for so much more. I made it clear that I wanted him to be a part of my life because I did love him and I was able to identify some things that I admired and appreciated about him, particularly from memories I had as a child. My mum tells me that he took a while to contemplate his response, but he did write a beautiful letter back. (I wish I had kept his letter, but somehow over the years and several big moves it got lost.) We both sobbed our hearts out as we allowed the healing process to start taking place. In that moment it was like we had taken a step closer to one another and bit by bit we grew closer. It didn't happen instantly and we still had many issues that were unresolved, but the process had been set in motion. Facing up to one's weaknesses is never easy and trying to change them I think is even more difficult. Take courage from these inspirational words "Accomplish the great task by a series of small acts" Loa-Tzu. Thinking of you in your time of need and wishing you every success. I hope you get to enjoy some good times ahead with your dad, as I was able to.
ReplyDeleteDianne,
ReplyDeleteI tend to do the same when it comes to my family. The reason is we are just so different!! for a period of time, I lessened my communication with them as I didn't know what to say to them. They see things so differently. It wasn't easy but as I grew older, I learned how to appreciate their input and express mine without getting emotional and also bring up topics that we both have in common.
Thank you for your very personal blog post. I no longer have either of my parents, and I wish everyday that I could have spent more time with them. Communication is key and important in so many different areas. I have also have dealt with conflicts this week, and I am learning that the only way to deal with it is through positive communication. It is sometimes hard when the other person involved in the conflict does not want to communicate, or resolve the conflict, but it is always good to take the first step.
ReplyDelete